This past Monday I as one my regularly scheduled call with Charles. I had two issues. 1. confidence & uncertainty within myself 2. Why is trusting myself so difficult?
I have been experiencing the world more and recently have been more positive and curiously exploring possibility. However, with all that came self doubt, ya know A LOT of second guessing.
Side note I miss all my piercings!
Back to the story. These changes have been occurring in an extremely sporadic manner and only increasing in frequency. It has be me very happy to know that it’s happening, but it also has me very anxious, excited, and cautious. This I imagine is because I have been shedding for a long time. I would say up until now that I’m in a cocoon phase with life and I’m figuring shit out in there on my lonesome.
The reality for some time now is that the more time I spend caring for and practicing loving the child me; I have been cutting loose from the cocoon! Right now it feel as though there’s just a few strains of thread still linking me to the old dying cocoon I was in. These are fast changes that I rarely see as they happen, but others do and they are making sure to let me know.
The movement for me is slow, really slow!!!! What I’m referring too in that is earning a humble but facilitating living for my ambitions. To change my physical environment! I want more natural light, I want to be in a place that is comfortable for me and that can be really small I need very little once I have all my computers (desktop/laptop/phone/tables) and toys (paper, pens pencils, paint, drawing tablet, dj equipment, books and gunpla) running and up-to-date, which the are currently not temporary sad face.
Most importantly I want to live independent to truly experience being on my own in a healthy manner and on my terms and dime. That will be pure bliss for me when I get there.
So in this state of being, it’s an unknown new path of life for me and without question I’m on it! It’s extremely new, no familiarity whatsoever. On top of that more and more each day I am not recognizing myself. It seems the real Dwayne Cyrus is beginning to raise his head, look up, take a stand, come into form and shape, learning to walk and talk, to have a voice that is all his own.
No more chains, no holding myself back. I’m realizing and better believing that I have a a real future in this world that not just a dream and vision in my head, I am allowed to live, and it feels great!
— 1348 hours